"Whatever decision I decided to make I was supported by Advocacy VSV"       

AVAILING first hand of the services provided by Advocacy VSV was Newry based author and pharmacist  Anna Kahill. 

Anna, who underwent the ordeal of being subjected to a rape when she was aged only 19 and still only  a student at university , has penned a new publication documenting her experience since she was attacked. 

 Having a prominent place  in her book, which is entitled “Not the Perfect Victim”, is the guidance the now 39-year-old received upon deciding in 2021 to try and finally pursue a conviction for her perpetrator 17 years after she was subjected to an ordeal which she states  will stay with her for the remainder of her life.

  Whilst Mrs Kahill was regrettably unable to secure a conviction when she finally turned to the authorities for help, which she explains is a fate that befalls almost 96% of reports of rape in Northern Ireland , she does credit Advocacy VSV as supporting her regardless of whatever decisions she made whenever she finally resolved herself to pursue justice for what was done to her. 

         Supported no matter what

 “I’m from Newry. I went to Queen’s University Belfast. In my first year, I was raped. It was a normal weekend night out with friends, and it happened at an after-party. That was 2006, and I didn’t report it at the time.”

“At the time, I couldn’t fully process what had happened or find the words to name it for what it was”

“In Not the Perfect Victim I recount some of the hours following the rape. Through my psychoanalysis and writing, I was able to see the huge cost this violation had on my life—by reflecting on who I was before and who I became after. I was ambitious and full of plans, but after that night, everything changed. I closed myself off from my friends and struggled also with family relationships, moved home when most of my peers stayed in Belfast, and turned down opportunities. The effects of trauma rippled into every corner of my life. 

“I lost confidence in myself. I was retraumatised by ordinary experiences and triggered into severe panic attacks for many years following the attack. I thought these were personal failings, something inherent to me rather than symptoms of something that happened to me. 19 is such a pivotal point in one’s life and I was targeted at that point when I was emerging into my adult self and discovering the adult that I was going to be. I was never able to connect the dots because I simply hadn’t processed what had happened to me – it was just too great for one person to face alone and I hadn’t disclosed it to the right people, people who could have helped and supported me.

“It took years to understand that I had been living in a frozen state of fear. Realising that most of my adulthood had been shaped by trauma responses was devastating. The kind of devastation, a sort of grief, that is very hard to describe in words”

“Those years were marked by confusion, silence, and self-blaming for simply existing and surviving in the only ways I knew how — until, in 2021, after my mother’s death, I entered therapy for complicated grief.

“My therapist noticed signs of trauma that weren’t connected to the loss of my mother. Slowly, I began to disclose what had happened in 2006. That’s when I realised, I couldn’t carry it any longer. I needed to do what I couldn’t do back then — report it. But I didn’t feel strong enough to do it alone.”

A helping hand from Advocacy VSV

As Anna explained it was only after the residual trauma from being the victim of rape resurfaced once more over 15 years later when she sought counselling following her mother’s death did she finally decide to pursue justice  to right the wrong which was wrought upon her. 

 Thankfully Advocacy VSV was by her side along every step of this journey.

“I went through a very long period when I agonized over whether or not to report the crime and during this period of weighing up my decision I discovered Advocacy VSV

“I found them online and nervously called them. Niamh Quinn, the founder, answered. I explained that I wasn’t sure if I’d come to the right place. She reassured me I had, and from that moment, I felt truly seen and heard in a way that only my therapist had seen me.

“It is very difficult for a victim to come forward and say what it has happened because there is often that fear of not being believed. This stems from a society that still believes in rape myths and a previous negative experience of disclosure.

“Sadly, many victims, myself included, experience a compounding of trauma, or even retraumatisation, when their first disclosure is met without understanding or compassion. Too often, the seriousness of what happened is minimised or dismissed. Worse still, some are made to feel a sense of blame. That kind of reaction silences victims and deters them from ever disclosing again. This was my experience back in 2006, and from speaking with other victims and charities in recent years, I’ve learned it’s sadly far from uncommon.

“ In my case this violation was many years ago and back then the rape myths were more prominent and enduring but are still not fully erased yet.

“When I called Advocacy VSV I immediately felt believed. I was respected, heard listened to and taken seriously. These are the essential foundations to trauma informed support. I got this straight away with Niamh.

“With Advocacy VSV, I was allowed to be imperfect — to be my self. There was no expectation to fit a certain image of a ‘credible’ victim. That’s what trauma-informed support looks like. Had I had that kind of support, acceptance and response in 2006, I’m quite certain I would have reported then.

“Whatever decision I was to make after having made contact with Niamh, I was completely reassured that Advocacy VSV would fully support me

“Niamh offered to meet me at a place of my choosing. She came to my home, sat with me, and listened. Just being met with compassion was transformative. That excruciating and prolonged period of deciding whether or not to report the rape ended just three days following that meeting with Niamh. I picked up the phone and called 101 to report the rape.

“That call started the whole criminal justice process, a process which is a whole other challenge on its own.

“Niamh drove me to the Portadown Rape Crime Unit — a journey I could never have made alone. It’s not something you want to burden family with, and having that support meant everything. She waited at the station while I gave my two-hour long statement, drove me home, and was by my side through every other step in the process.”

Case not in court

 Whilst Anna was able to summon the courage to try and get her case  to the length of a courtroom hearing , sadly her quest for justice like so many others went awry. 

   This according to Mrs Kahill is owing to several factors not in the least of which being that the burden of proof rests with complainant in a rape case in what she describes as being an already outdated judicial system.

“Unfortunately, my case did not make it to court — one of the roughly 96% of reported rape cases here that never result in conviction. Not the Perfect Victim explores many of the reasons behind that.

“For many victims, the evidential threshold is simply unreachable. The prosecution test fails most cases essentially preventing most cases from being heard in court. In rape cases, the accused isn’t required to prove consent; they can simply say ‘no comment’, while the burden of proving non-consent falls entirely on the victim.

“It’s incredibly difficult to prove that consent didn’t occur because these crimes almost always happen behind closed doors. And for the few cases that do make it to court, the victim’s credibility and behaviour are intensely scrutinised. We’re treated as and referred to witnesses to the crime, not as the evidence itself.

“Defence teams are highly experienced at dismantling victims on the stand. Victims don’t get their own legal support. The prosecution represents the Crown, not the victim — and may only meet the victim for the first time a few hours before trial. Until then a victim has no contact with the kind of legal support a defendant receives – we are not allowed to obtain that kind of legal help which is deeply unfair given the nuances of our cases by their very nature.

She also points to the challenge of relying on juries drawn from the general public.

“Jurors can’t be reasonably expected to understand the complexities of trauma, yet they’re asked to reach a verdict beyond reasonable doubt. This is a huge and unreasonable burden to place on lay members. Without trauma expertise in court, responses like freezing, shutting down, memory gaps, dissociating, or confusion regarding order of events, can be easily and wrongly mistaken for inconsistency and therefore lack of credibility.

“We need experts involved in these cases— for example psychologists and trauma specialists who speak and understand the language and experiences of trauma. But under the current system that simply is not on offer. For many victims, success of the case often depends on luck rather than justice, luck that people on the jury may fully grasp and understand a victim’s testimony.

“My case was closed without ever reaching court. With much pursuing on my end such as chasing police during months of hearing nothing, and with Advocacy VSV’s support, it went as far as it could in the current system. Sadly, my story isn’t unique — it’s part of that 96% of reports that never see trial, meaning many perpetrators remain free. Still, I have no regrets. My statement remains on file, and that matters. If others come forward, it’s there.

“I’m left to pick up the pieces of the harm and damage caused to me through no fault of my own. Healing is lifelong, but the goal is to live with what happened without letting it define me. Speaking out and writing Not the Perfect Victim was part of taking that control back.”

“Through the book, I also examine how trauma and neurodivergence intersect, following my late autism diagnosis which came after reporting the crime.

“Discovering my autism helped me understand my vulnerabilities and trauma responses more clearly — things like sensory overwhelm and emotional shutdown. But it also revealed how invisible trauma responses are in the discussion around sexualised violence and more so how invisible autistic women are in that conversation. We don’t tend to react typically. These discussions need to happen”

Anna hopes that sharing her story and highlighting the work of Advocacy VSV will encourage others to seek help and push for change.

“These issues are bigger than any one case. Sexualised violence is highly prevalent, and the justice system is failing victims every single day. But support like Advocacy VSV gives survivors a fighting chance, not just legally, but practically and emotionally. They reminded me that being imperfect doesn’t make you any less deserving of justice.

“Healing is ongoing. Not the Perfect Victim is about reclaiming my voice and showing others that it’s never too late to do the same.”

  For more information regarding Not the Perfect Victim you can visit www.nottheperfectvictim.com